LIBRA: No one likes surprise diarrhea…so try not to spew any out of your mouth this week. You might say something that may cause you to lose a friend, a special goat, or a loved one. Be careful what you say or you might get punched or worse, be trampled by wild whores. I know you get upset, so try to do something relaxing before you strangle the neighbor’s cat. (Besides, I think it has a crush on you.) P.S. Please stay away from Gouda cheese this week. I’m not sure why, but it’s a Gouda idea.
SCORPIO: You may be extra attractive this week and will get a lot of attention-in your pants! Just please be careful and remember that herpes is NOT a term for a group of whales and you CAN get crabs without going to the seafood section at the store, (well except for perhaps the public restrooms), and Chlamydia is not a type of foot cream. P.S. Whatever you do, just make sure that it does not involve animal hair.
SAGITTARIUS: Work or school may be as boring as waiting for your cat to learn Spanish from the Rosetta Stone CD you gave it. If it’s driving you nuts, take a break and do an activity MORE exciting than watching Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen mud wrestle for coke. Grab some sausage links, beer, duct tape, gun powder, a laser pointer and some lawn darts and have a blast! P.S. You might want to purchase some new contraceptives this week; I used your old ones for coasters and the other for a candy dish.
CAPRICORN: You have an admirer at work, school, or at your cult group this week! This person is semi-attractive on the outside but on the inside they look like a mixture of moldy pumpkin pie and shit. Warning! This person is CRAZY! I’m not talking about fun crazy, I’m talking about how he probably carries a dead parrot in his bag or thinks David Hasselhoff is out to kill him, and has a fetish for penguins dressed up in leather. Politely say you don’t want any of them, but don’t poke him by any means!!
AQUARIUS: Time to impress your boss or teacher with your talent of pulling great ideas out of your ass. Show them how much you have up there! Instead of just sliding by work or school, show them what your awesome ass can really do! No, you don’t have to drop your pants, but DO impress them with your magical talents outside the bedroom. Then again, if it’s a really BIG or a reward then you’re doing it wrong.
ARIES: Someone may want to harm you this week, so heads up! I highly doubt they will try to actually KILL you, but just in case I suggest you wear knight armor, carry a mace and an angry cat. No one wants a psycho pussy in their face…except for maybe that one coworker, (you know who I’m talking about). Not only will that person decide not to attack you, but NO ONE will, because you will just look crazy! P.S. If someone asks you for a date while you’re in your armor. Just say “no,” then run away.
PISCES: Barter with all your personalities this week, yes…even Susan and Peter. Try to find something that they all will enjoy, such as trying to find Waldo, “helping” your evil coworker’s mom to find her youthful side again, even masturbating to Dancing with the Stars, but not that last one. No one on that show is hot enough. If you do this you might feel normal. Remember normal? No? I’m not surprised. P.S. Beware of tube socks this week.
TAURUS: You many feel guilty this week. Yep, what you are experiencing is not regular diarrhea, but guilt diarrhea. You might have to make it up to the person you screwed over…perhaps by making a video of you being attacked by llamas or better yet, a zombie attack. They might not completely forgive you, but they will have a new respect for llamas. P.S. Use the term “pie” lightly this week. Also if you play dominoes you will lose a finger. Don’t ask.
GEMINI: You might want to wear diapers this week because you will get some surprising news so great that you’ll shit your pants! This semi-life changing information may have you tap-dancing in the street naked, (except for the diapers of course), or actually bear hug your smelly neighbor who’s gnome watches you. Nope, not even the smell of puke can ruin this party…not like it did on your last birthday party. Fail.
CANCER: Too much bragging and being an asshole has come back to you like that evil ex of yours… (Minus the knife, but double the anger). Time to put your ego in your closet…like you did with the body of that one guy. If you don’t, millions of toothpicks will fly up, and stick you in the face, and just a small precaution, I would wear a metal mask. Plus this mask will help you pick up lovers. Don’t ask why. P.S. You really need to buy a bigger closet this week.
LEO: Good friends are like bananas, even if they get old and smell a little rotten, you can still use them to make banana bread. No, this doesn’t mean turn your friends into bread; although, that does sound good right now. No, it means your true friends will be there for you. Go ahead and poke them! If they are not dead then have a heartfelt chat. If they are dead remember that real bananas are good listeners.
VIRGO: You many get attacked by squirrels this week…so try to stay away from nuts. This includes strange neighbors, people whose names start with D, and pistachios. If you have nuts, try to disguise them as a low-hanging fanny pack, or pretend it’s your twin. If you don’t have nuts, just remember not to carry any on you. Also refrain from wearing that walnut bra you have stashed in you dresser.
