TAURUS:
You will have an amazing, insightful and life changing conversation with a stranger this week. I don’t know why, I just know that this person may alter the way you perceive the world. In fact, it may open up a door to new opportunities for you! If this unknown person does not find you by the middle of the week, then YOU must run up to strangers and ask them if they have something profound to tell you. Sure there might be some that ignore you, run away, or possible mace you, but once you find that human being, it’ll all be worth it. Also, this week you might find a close friend or lover boring. Whatever you do, do NOT tell them this. You know deep inside that they love you and they are one of the few people that can put up with your whining and fingernail collection.
GEMINI:
Some strange things will happen to you, (or at least you’ll see them), this week. You might say something that may cause you to lose a friend, a special goat, or a loved one. Be careful what you say or you might get punched or worse, be trampled by wild whores. Sure it’ll be freaky and weird, but at least it’s better than everything on TV right now. Just when you thought you’d never been surprised again, life comes up from behind and kicks you in the pants. Just remember that it is all fun and games until someone calls a lawyer. So stay away from hairspray and lighters. If you absolutely not do that, then you’ll have to wear a shower cap all week.
CANCER:
Love is in the air this week. My suggestion to you is to buy an air freshener and some antiseptic for extra comfort. If you’re feeling the love, just the antiseptic or even perhaps break that twenty and spend some extra money on some two-ply for extra bonus points. Yes, my friend, this week you may want to look your best because someone has noticed how hot you are. You MUST seize this opportunity because by next week you’ll lose your chance. I know in relationships it’s usually all about YOU; however, this time you need to make an effort. Buy the one you love some flowers, chocolate, a puppy, or a beer. If you do, it will make you both slap happy.
LEO:
This week a shark will eat your friend. Well, not really, but you might want that to happen because he is bugging the hell out of you. Before you claw him to death, try to remember what you both have been through together. How you have both helped each other reach goals, get through tough relationships, all the keg stands you did in college or still do every other Friday. This friend is driving you nuts, but just think of all the wild stuff that you’ve done that he has not told anyone about! You are a loyal friend, you can still be. You just need a break from him. Don’t feel bad, in a couple of weeks go ahead and take him to a horrible horror movie or a bar where they actually have music he likes and that will totally make up for it.
VIRGO:
I know you are pretty good at handling money and balancing your funds, but you might need to cut back this week. Not due to a screw up on your part, but because an unexpected expense will pop up this week. I don’t know if it’ll be your weird car needing a part, or a hospital visit for a broken finger or have to pay off strangers when they witness you doing something strange. Just be ready for a blowout. Now, don’t worry too much, it won’t be a HUGE amount. So, don’t do anything drastic like shut off your cable! I know how much you love your Cinemaxy and food shows. You don’t have to buy ramen noodles for dinner every night…just take it easy. Try to cut back on things you won’t really need this week, like vitamins, herbs and bottled water. P.S. Stay away from crafts this week.
LIBRA:
Wake up and smell the coffee! Someone in your family will need your help this week. I know, I know, you are busy planting something, painting a picture of a moose, plus you have work or need to buy pencils for school, but you really need to drop what you are doing and help a relative out. If it’s a kid, try to spend some quality time with him. Take him out and buys him a really, loud, annoying toy so it’ll bug his parents. Teach him all you know about tattoo removal. Just do something or he’ll be sad. If it’s an adult…give her a hand moving, painting or putting up her hot lamps for their “medical” marijuana green house. Plus if you help out the family, they’ll be there for when you need them later…maybe.
SCORPIO:
No matter how badly you want to light something on fire, or break some expensive objects, DON’T! Besides, you will probably end up doing both of those things by accident later. I know that you are pissed off and stressed out this week, but your revenge tactics suck when you are not thinking clearly. You’ve kept this problem inside for too long. So long, it’s been scratching at your bad side and it now starting to really itch. It’s time to finally get it off your chest and talk about it. I know that you would rather destroy something, but if you don’t solve the problem this week, it will be twice as bad next week! As soon as it’s all over, you’ll be back to your genius self. Whatever you decide, try not to sing that old Bigbang song. I think it might be illegal in some states.
SAGITTARIUS:
You may receive a sweet surprise from someone this week. Lucky you! It’ll come just in time too. You may be feeling a bit down. I’m not sure if you are getting a little head cold, or if there will be a bee attack, or if you are just not feeling like your normal, cheerful self. At least this gift, flowers, kiss, whatever the surprise is, it will come just in time. It’ll come before you need cough drops or a counselor. Celebrate this awesome surprise by paying it forward. Send a friend or family member a card, something personal and meaningful. If you do that all your dreams will come true. Okay, maybe not, but if you do this it will totally make your week groovy. P.S. I know there are some dirty socks hidden somewhere in that bedroom of yours. Please find them and discard before they start a new plague. Thank you.
CAPRICORN:
This week you’ll be very pleased with a decision that you made! You will debate on it and hesitate, but your gut feeling isn’t from last night’s burrito, it’s your body telling you to DO IT! It could be choosing the correct solution at work or just choosing the right salad. The reward of your decision will not be great but you will be happy. Whatever you do, do not doubt your genius self! The problem here is, in fact, you might be too pleased with yourself. Do not let this great conclusion go to your head. If you show your ego, in all its nude glory, to a loved one or coworker, they might pass out, rearrange your furniture, or run away. Making you end up eating your fine salad alone. Yes, you’ve HAVE made a great decision, but please try to keep it in your pants. P.S. No one likes your shoes this week.
AQUARIUS:
Hello, reoccurring problem this week! Well isn’t that just freakin’ lovely. You thought that problem had gone away, but its back like a bad case of herpes. What’s the best thing to do? No one usually asks for my advice, but if I were you, I’d run away. Yep, instead of standing up and taking punches, get the hell out of there! A vacation in a mine field would be better than the extra stress for you right now. If you do leave don’t go alone. Take that one “friend” with you who you never call anymore. Even better yet, take someone that will give you lots of love because you need and deserve it. Also, on this little vacation, you might learn a few new things! I know you love that because your brain is a sponge, so soak it up baby! P.S. Don’t take YOUR car because I’m pretty sure there’s something living under your seat.
ARIES:
Good news for you this week, my butt ramming friend. You just thought WHAT?! That’s disgusting. Anyway, good news will have you celebrating more than Charlie Sheen on a good day. It’s the first time in a while that your stubbornness will pay off for the better! See, it’s not all bad! You will be delightfully surprised at the news, and you SHOULD do something for yourself! Have a beer with a friend. In fact, come over here and bring me beer because I’m running low. Party like it’s your birthday, but make sure it’s at another person’s place so you don’t have to clean up. After you get this news, call the first person who doubted you and rub it in her face. Not because you’re an asshole, because it will make you feel better. Plus, someone in your life this week is not giving you the attention you deserve! Don’t listen to that asshat, just be happy and make others happy around you as well. Yes, this does include sex.
PISCES:
This week strange things will happen to you or by you. So don’t be completely shocked if the mailman chases your dog, one of your ex’s, the one who claimed to hated you, calls to say he or she loves you, a spider gives YOU a can of insect repellent, or you find out that there’s a little, green man that lives under your bed and smells your feet when you are asleep. Sure, it’ll be a freaky and weird week, but at least it’s better than anything that’s on TV right now. Just when you thought that you’d never be surprised by anything again, life will come up behind you and kick you in the pants. Just remember that it is all fun and games until someone loses and eye. So stay away from BB guns and scissors this week, or wear goggles 24/7 until the week ends. Your choice.
